Fighting ain't Surviving...

untitled...

2009-09-02T22:51:00.001-07:00

"People says, you'll never learn till you lose it.." now i truly understands this quote...

i fucked up...

2009-07-29T01:18:00.000-07:00

Sitting here, wondering, how should I write?
how much I wish it shouldn't end this way, that it shouldn't end at all,
It's not a dream to me, when what I felt is really true,
How much i wish it was a nightmare where I could wake up and things weren't this way.
but I wasn't living in a dream, because every single inch of my body feels this feeling,
it's tingling, it's beyond my control,
a feeling which I stand strong and fight with anyone who's in my way,
What i had felt before this, is as true as it can be,
everyday it's like rainbows and butterflies all around me,
but what i felt right now, i don't wish it could be true,
a feeling which i felt i'm strengthless and i couldn't move on,
I couldn't breath, and no matter what, I'll stand, or I'll crawl,
because of the one person that makes me true,
one person who changed my entire life,
and that one person who gave me something valuable, which is love...

Days

2009-07-16T01:46:00.001-07:00

They say,
it takes a minute,
to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love em,
but an entire life to forget them..

I didn't think it was true at first, cause through relationships, most of it are the ones i really do love them, tho in the end, things just goes in separate ways... It wasn't hard as it sounds... The shortest time of me being single was just a few days, and past relationships wasn't that hurtful anymore..
Until i met this special someone, who fits the quote above.. Cause that's what i can't do right now... Reminiscing thru some old memories, pictures, and gifts together, waiting, and can't forget, forgiving and living on a thread...

Songs..=')

2009-07-07T07:24:00.001-07:00

Every latest songs seem so nice to hear,
yet parts of every lyrics sounds so much like her,
and some sounded like what i felt like telling her,
some gave me strength to go on,
and some just brings me down,
some makes me tears,
and some even makes me reminisce,

hearing classical songs,
gives me time to calm,
but repeating itself seems so dumb,
how long can i keep myself calm?
when everyday i wish to hold her palm..

smiles...=')

2009-06-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

It's been umpteen days, since I lost someone very special to me... Someone, whom I can't seem to let go.. though we're still going out, but as normal friends.. it makes me happy enough to know she's just right there by my side all the time... only thing is that there's a boundary between us.. it's just an extra word to add into "friend"...and everything will be totally different.

Those memories we had together... starts to swirl around my head, and things we've been through together isn't easy to erase. Though it's a short period, but the times we spent together, seems like it lasted than we are together.. Cherishing every moments together, forgive and to forget, to love and to comfort.. sadness, that needs to be cheered.. loneliness that needs to be cuddled..

Somehow.. i wish for her happiness, but on the other hand, i wish i could be selfish.. but I can't, seeing her now, with a cheerful face all the time, how could I take away all that?... It hurts a lot to let go something which really meant the world to you..
I still love her, whole heartedly..

Hardest part in life..

2009-06-22T04:19:00.000-07:00

Through out these months we've been together,
Tons of arguments, yet loads of memories,
Gallons of tears, and countless times of joy,
Through sickness, and healthy times,
Cherishing every moment together,
and it all ended with a full stop.
Everyone says just forget it and move on,
I've been tryin to input that phrase into me,
countless times I tried, yet it isn't easy,
Yet i still cherish everything bout her,
I grew to love her imperfections and all..
and I've never once ever thought of leaving her.

The hardest part in life, is to let go someone you really love so badly...
and to give them the happiness they wanted.
i don't know how to describe this feeling,
how much I really cherish this relationship,
seems to me the harder I try, the more it seems to go away..
Smiling, is only a face,
to let people know that you're happy,
but it's not easy to smile, when tears always fills your eyes when you smile..

It's hard to forget bout someone you loved so much.

and I'm still trying....I still love you...

General Anxiety Disorder..

2009-06-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

After so long, i realized that I've been diagnose with such a disorder..
General Anxiety Disorder (G.A.D.)
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically catastrophise, anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems or work difficulties.^[1] They often exhibit a variety of physical symptoms, including fatigue, fidgeting, headaches, nausea, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, bouts of difficulty breathing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, insomnia, hot flashes, and rashes. These symptoms must be consistent and on-going, persisting at least 6 months, for a formal diagnosis of GAD to be introduced. ^[1] Approximately 6.8 million American adults experience GAD.

So... yeah, i have partially those symptoms, now that explains the rashes on my body, the trembling and the excessive sweats.... Can i be cure?...

Updates...

2009-05-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 2 months since our finals... still remember the days we rushed like crazy just to do our finals... printing, staying ups, rendering, falling asleep on sofas, coffees... Well, college life is over for me now, come to think of it, time flies very fast.. is the Earth rotating even faster?.. i wonder.."/
Kinda miss those days when we're back in college.. In this past 2 months, i only met few of my college friends.. and my old collegues too.. although we only get to meet for a short while, but it's worth it.. hopefully one day we'all put asides our work, stress, and any other thing just to meet up...
Well, what's wrong with just meeting up and have fun? A food gathering?...outings? a day trip?...
Hope to get a plan soon...

anyways, me and my dear has reached 8months..^^ Days been getting better, and things are getting brighter... hope things won't be as it use to be.. and just be happy always..^^..
(4 more months till 1 year.. dear,! we can make it..)...hahahaha

Currently, been workin for my dad... i wanted to work outside, but then my dad have other plans.. cause he wants me to take over the business.. Inputing company's data into me.... Things aren't as difficult as it seems at 1st, but seems like it's not as easy as it is... Now i know what it feels like workin as my dad.. But i kinda get on to it.....hehe..
OH! in 2 days time, my 1st so-call job-cum-project.... Goin to Langkawi to do a set, for a liquor ad... can't reveal what ad issit..=P wait till i come back i'll let y'all know...

So, that's bout it.. my latest updates on the past 2 months, pictures will be uploaded soon...
Due to some lil boy my mom finds just to fix her laptop, instead on fuckin up my P1, my internet is currently suckie...=.=" damn you boi~
P/S: anyone who's a computer expert mind pm-ing me?... or anyone knows one.. a good one.. cause i tired with this stupid connections....argh~~

When you tell me that you love me

2009-04-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

I wanna call the stars
Down from the sky
I wanna live a day
That never dies
I wanna change the world
Only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do

I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what's beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

I wanna make you see
Just what I was
Show you the loneliness
And what it does

Diana:
You walked into my life
To stop my tears
Everything's easy now
I have you here

And baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

In a world without you (Mark: world without you)
I would always hunger (Mark: I will always hunger)
All I need is your love

...to make me stronger

and baby
Everytime you touch me
I become a hero
I'll make you safe
No matter where you are
And bring you
Everything you ask for
Nothing is above me
I'm shining like a candle in the dark
When you tell me that you love me

When you tell me that you love me

Goodbye 2008 welcome 2009....

2009-02-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

Well, well.... it's been long since i last blogged... =P and the last blog i left empty, cause i couldn't post any pictures up during my HK trip... and i got kinda pissed at it.. and just bored of blogging..XD

Anyways, recently developed insomnia, sleeping disorder...~__~.. tried rolling in bed, reading novel, youtube-ing, facebook-ing, exercising, hearing musics, counting countless sheeps, playing games, drink milk,.. what else?... and it gets worst day by day.... so any suggestions?..do drop me comments yea?

well, back to the topic... rather than me just telling you what i've done throughout 2008.. here's some pictures..=P

My 1st working experience... Internship, at Designedge..

Gotten into a great relationship... and getting better...

2 new "daughters" Chanel & Walnut..

Been To HK.....

Well, there's much more to it... Can't post that much right now.. due to stupid streamyx...
Superb slow connection and freaking disconnected every now and then...

Anyways, here comes 2009!!

My brother's 21st birthday.. Sureen Raj..Awesome party...

Walnut grown up... a little...

Shirley got stress of assignments.. same goes as all of us....

With new born baby bear, Macaroni~~14/02/09

My girl's new hairdo, Sweet, pretty, and Ichiban~~ Japan!!=P
Got to celebrate my 1st valentines....

Flasher runs around flashing in 1Utama...

Well, like i said, there's more to it.. Between me and those photos, some internet connection thingy is the distraction...

There's all for now, I'm goin to bed nowz...
Will be updating more soon....hopefully i can...Kinda rushing for assignments these days, plus extra works from my dad...
nitez...

you've been tagged...

2008-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

"How-to" Letter Meme

RULEs: Do the "Letter MEME". Tag no less than 5 other people, and leave them a comment, informing them that they have been tagged. Then copy the "How-to" Letter Meme, and finish your Journal entry.
How you do the Letter Meme:
Dear ________(the last person who left a comment on your blog/journal):I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I'm sure you're ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,
-Your name-

1. What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
None of the above - With George Bush and his wife

4. What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive out

5. What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - ManO.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - HighHouse - Scared
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - MongolicIdol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
None of the above - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I've felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - How awful I've felt
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B -C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain
===============================================================

Dear BRYAN
I don't really know how to tell you this, but Our romance is over. I think I realized it When you put cuffs on me Under the bus and I saw you Ignore My avocado plant. I'm sure you're Frostbitten enough to understand That Santa doesn't exist. I'm returning The couch cushions to you, but I'll keep Your suicide note as a memory. You should also know that I Am better off without Senility.

With ease,
Marcus

===============================================================

tagging:
1. Bryan
2. Khairol
3. Stephanie
4. Shirley
5. Alene

Walnut...my nutty dog~

2008-12-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

I got a new puppy!! The name's Walnut... cause of it's color of course..

cute fella ain't she? Well, behind this cute feller hides a story..
it's actually my cousin's doggie... but under some reasons, she gotta give it away..
and i promised her that i would take care of her... ^_^..

this is her, sleeping under any circumstances, and i really mean any circumstances...
i was wondering how big she'll grow in the future.. cause this is the 1st time ever i heard of a siberian husky mate with a shih tzu.. hopefully she's one big doggie.. so i get an extra pillow while sleeping..hahaha.. well, more pictures coming up soon!!

Stressness?

2008-11-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

Seems like everyone is in stress mode..
Another bad news adds up.. stupid presentation is moved forward.. that means rushing my ass off before the holidays... and i failed another dumb arse subject.. which i don't even know why.. and another thing, is i gotta retake this dumb arse subject before my gradz, or i'll be a certified'-less grad.. hmmm. how sucky issit.. Recently my left eyes twitch a lot.. i wonder why?.. izzit a sign for something bad's gonna happen?.(Chinese beliefs) it's been 3 days already... and i'm getting worried... hmmm

Anyways, after reading Bryan's blog.. it's seems so true.. everything's changed after the internships.. we hardly hang out anymore.. is it because of assignments??.. or just because everyone is changed?...

Well, it's a saturday, and i'm working... hahaha. instead of staying home and gettin my stuup.. presentation done, i'm looking after some job my dad left for me and my mom.. My eldest sis suppose to work today, and i'm taking over her job, just because she's tired.. wtf.. and i can't turn down my mom cause she's freakishly stressed that she woke me from slumberland.. on the way to work, she kept shouting and expressing her anger to me.(i wonder why..) and i kept quiet the entire time.. til she burst out in tears... i felt bad if i would have complained to her bout my assignments and stuffs.. (hopefully after all this my mama would feel better..hope to see her smile or laugh again)...

Hope everything ends well soon... cause seeing everyone stressed up although it's towards the end of the year... where's the new year's spirit?. sucks to see this environment.. where everyone is down and out.. I wish everyone here all the best in what-so-ever y'all are up to.... Take good care my friends, my family, my everyone..

I need part time jobs... gawd damn...

2008-11-18T07:55:00.002-08:00

Sucky part when living under your parents money, is that when they got money, they'll give you extras whenever you're taking allowance from them and when they are uptight, they'll don't give a damn whether you have extras, and worst, they complain that you took too much... I know whenever my parents are uptight or not...Plus I'm working under my dad for his drafting works... Anyways, got another reduction into my weekly allowance again, and I got my haircut on the wrong week...>__<" Imma live with only 60, which includes my weekly gascash.. So, basically... i'm f*^kin broke, wonder how am i gonna survive this week?... bummer...

Anyone knows any part-time interior jobs? whether it's autocad draftings or 3d perspectives... Do drop me a message or something yeah..
I need the extra cash.T__T..

(me signing off, broke as hell..).

Nov 14....

2008-11-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

Woke up at 7.30 today morning, class was suppose to be at 10.. Well, "someone" gotta pass up assignments, and whines bout it... so what the heck... Anyways, our whole class presented each another's progress in finals.. and mine wasn't one of the happy ones.. Darn.. After Shirley's and my presentation was over... We kinda get bored, and took Joe's toys(for kindergarten).. and snap pictures with it!!XP...

After all the ak-47s shots all over us... we went down to 1utama to open up our voices once again... Well, my voice sux.. but for the fun of it..hehe.. We reached there at around 1pm.... and finishes at 6.30pm..! Throats feels pretty darn dry now...hehe.. Half of us decided to leave cause some with family dinner, and some.... just gotta go home(which is me.).hahaha..

Anyhoos, as usual, back home, either draw some stuffs for my dad... or just staring at my 22" monitor..kekekeke... but today, it's something different!.. Me and my mom, was on a mission... important mission, on balloon sculpting..O_o".. funny eh? my girl came down tonite.. was happie to see her... but i feel bad for causing her got bombarded from her dad..*sorry dear*^_^"

These are the few pictures i took throughout the day...

Meet Shirley's Sor Poh(handphone holder)

Meet Joe's toys.....hehe

You've guessed it...1st combination..

2nd combination..extra biggy mouth..hahahaha

Sor poh found a new friend...Joe's toybag..^_^

Humans tested...Freakishly cats eye..(That's me!)

2nd test subject... Biggy nose and biggy mouth..XP..(Edward kekeke)

Balloon sculpting time!..

Hearts...^_^..

This is my 1st time seeing a white semi-transparent balloon that looks wrong...
Me and Alene can't stop laughing bout it..kekekee..It's a tulip..!!

C.U.T.e... it suppose to be CUTI.. my bro's gf needs it for a shoot for tomorrow morning..

Tang Yiwen in distress with assignments....
wakakakaka...

Well, recently my internet wasn't really in a perfect shape..
but hopefully it'll roll over and be a good router from now on..=D
Gonna post up some pictures soon..of the past few days of internet suckiness...
goin to bed now.. nite's y'all..

Yawning the days off..

2008-11-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

Feeling sleepy every single day in college, although we are confined in a air-conditioned square box, but yet the whether outside it's sizzling hot!!.>__<" *yawnz* sleepyness causes laziness..argh!.. Anyhoo, few days back, helped my mom to check out one of our old pc's.. and do y'all remember this?
Old skewl pc!! haha, windows 98.. back then i was still in my nerdy glasses, and playing games like starcrafts and red alert: command and conquer... Well, computers these days, once you shut down, you don't have to bother much bout it.... and suddenly this pops out!...
hahahaha... rather amusing seeing this shut down screen once again....XP

Maturity?

2008-10-29T09:14:00.001-07:00

Has anyone got any idea of maturity?
Is maturity all bout positive thinking?
Is maturity all about standing on your own feet?
Is maturity about being well-dressed and acting smart?
Is maturity something you can pretend to be?
Or just somethings people born with?
Does people who are mature leads a boring life?
Or they HAVE their own way of a happy life?
Those who started working, are they mature?
Or they are just hiding behind their masks?

Well, in this world, there's much to learn..
but, live life to the fullest...Work Hard, Play Hard...

Tuesdays~

2008-10-21T01:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since i started class... and laziness has already hit me.. argh!!!.-_-"
Anyways, today is the last time i restart my life in blogging... Deleting pasts, and start fresh...
Hopefully this time, I'll be able to reduce posting negative thoughts, and start posting happy thoughts... The past few months been through a hell of a ride in the roller-coaster of life, but i got through it... and I moved on...

I got into a new relationship recently..
Many negatives reviews since the beginning, but we're able to get through it.. right? No point blaming them, as long as it won't affect either of us, I'm pleased..... I'm glad that I'm able to share everything with her, and I mean everything.. even my darkest secrets.. that really haunts me every night..

From an honest heart, I apologize to my friends, whom I once created a heck of a disaster upon our friendship, and no matter how much I regretted it, it's useless for now, but i just want y'all to know, throughout my entire life, y'all made a big impact towards my life. And I thank y'all for it...

Just another day....

2008-08-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

just another day in office, staring in front of my lappie, browsing facebook, and writing blog.. these days, seems to be quite free in office, feeling kinda bad for being so free tho..XP.. office seems to be getting quite... quiet...got nothing much to do but to hear music and past the time... mmm... well, got nothin much interesting to write now.. ciaoz

woots i'm back...

2008-07-02T18:36:00.000-07:00

WootZ.... O_o"... seems like ages since my last blog.. well, not that long... only few months...hahaha... Well, just don't know what to write on my blog.. Well, no more heartbreak stories.. XP.. lonely as it may seems.. things ain't getting no better.. but, what the heck.. life is life.. gotta move on..
Anyways.. currently i'm in working life, but for 3 months only...haha.. place i'm workin in? Below a hotel..XP.. basement level which is.. It's not that sucky as i thought it was... peeps here are great, and the aren't those who really wants to bully you...hahaha... plus, my workstation is right beside a mini aquarium.. i see fishes swim here and there everyday!wakakakaka... 2 big orange fish, 4 small ones... funny thing is the 2 big orange fishes always fight.. and sometimes i wonder why?...>_<"
work stress i guess... maybe one day i'll be talking to the fishes?everyone will start thinking i'm crazy.___. well.. gotta start work now...